Saturday, March 22, 2008

My Romance Story

This is a story, note or just a bunch of thoughts that I recently wrote. As I have said all along since coming here, this is a real growing time for me. The Lord has really started opening my eyes and heart to things and I have asked Him to use it in whatever way He wants. I have not really shared this but with a couple of people until now. In many ways I am just now truly seeing myself for who I really am. My prayer in posting this is that it will be used to God's glory. In addition to reading this, please pray for me that God will make me malleable so that I can go wherever He leads me to go!

My Romance Story

I have long been a fan of the romantic comedy movie, book, real life scenario, etc. Although, my friends know that I love the romantic comedy genre, I don't know if they would call me a romantic per se. It's not something that I express often, but am coming to more of a realization that I, in fact, am a romantic. I have this dream of finding a man that loves the Lord first and me second. I want to fall in love with a man that has an urgency to follow God's will, but will be patient enough to wait for His timing. I want to fall in love with a man that will gently take my hand and lead me with love and encouragement. I look forward to the time that we can fall in love with each other, not because of looks or scenarios, but because we fall in love with the person that God has brought us each to be.

All of that being said, I must say that this note is not about romantic comedies or even my longing for a man who strives to be a man of God. This note is one of realization of what I am not, and what I need to become. Recently, God has been gently pulling me back to him. If you noticed, I said back to him. Obviously, that means that I have walked away. To be frankly honest, there have been times that I was not just walking, but I was running. As I look back on my relationship with the Lord, I am ashamed to say that it has been one of inconsistency and one of me taking more than I have ever given back. I have these great aspirations of falling in love with a man that God has planned for me. Unfortunately, I can't honestly tell you the last time that I was in love with God. Sure, I believe in Him, I go to church, I am a Christian, but its been a very long time since I could sit down and say that I truly know Him well enough (consistently) to say that I am in love with Him. When I think of being in love with someone, that means that I can't wait to wake up to see them, I don't want to go a day with out talking to them, I would think of their best interests before my own and last but not least I would sacrifice anything of mine for them. I can't say that my heart, mind and therefore my life, have been one of being madly in love with God as of recent day. Its just becoming obvious, when I have slowed down enough to look at ME, not the me that I show to others, but the real me, the me that Jesus knows, that I am not the righteous daughter of God that I want my husband to know. What saddens me even further is that my Father continues to pursue me and pull me towards Him. Why? Its becoming obvious and quite clear to me now...He's in love with me! With me, the me that only Jesus knows. The completely imperfect, unholy, unrighteous, undeserving woman who has chosen not to return that love that has so richly been lavished on me. Why? That is the best romance story that I have ever heard! A man that is completely in love with me, never leaves me, cries for me, holds my hand and leads me, allows me to walk away and then gently pulls me back, and last but most importantly, He died for me! I am sure there are a number of reasons that I have chosen not to return the love, but the main one being the allowance of Satan in to my life. I remember a time when I was aware of any cracks in my armor that Satan could use to get to my heart. Now, unfortunately, I have become so unaware and complacent to the cracks in my armor and the fact that they are being used by Satan to get to my heart, that Satan has been able to use me. Simply put, when my heart, mind and life are not one of the Lord, then they are against the Lord.

Here I am, a daughter of the Lord and my life has been working against Him. This world is about being beautiful physically and being seen by others. Being a daughter of God, the only way that I am going to be truly beautiful is because God chooses to make me that way! I am not talking about physical beauty, I am talking about my heart. My heart has become hardened to my Father. With a hardened heart it is impossible for me to be the beautiful, holy, or righteous daughter without my Father's breaking and molding. My Father is asking me to dance with Him, and that to me says, “My child you are beautiful to me. You are not perfect, you have some things that we need to talk about and get fixed and change, but you are my child and I want to hold you and keep you close.”

I have been thinking for awhile now that I don't feel like I know myself. I feel like I am floating along in this world and not really accomplishing anything. How can I know myself when I don't know where I come from? Sure, I know my earthly parents and I know my family history, but I don't know my Father in a way that would allow me to know my place in His world. It's no wonder so many people feel lost or like they are floating along in this world! I have been told many times that I look or act like my parents, which I would take as a compliment any day. However, I can't remember the last time I was told that I resemble my Father. I should be striving to resemble my Father, not by a covering of good or “correct” words, but by what my heart is. I want to be the beautiful daughter of Christ and in order for me to fulfill that role I must have a beautiful, pure and righteous heart. A heart that is filled with Christ will replace anything that Satan has planted.

How does this romance end you ask? Well, it started with the death of Christ and it continues and grows stronger with the death of me. Not the actual physical death necessarily, but the death to myself. The beautiful thing about this romance is that it doesn't end! My Father has brought me back to Him and has asked me to dance. He has asked me to dance despite knowing that I am weary and have nothing to offer. Despite my past and current failures and my lack of abilities in this dance called life, I actually want to dance! I have found my life to be empty and lacking direction without the direction of my Father. Yes, I might be awkward, out of the ordinary and lacking in knowledge, but I will dance in God's honor. I choose to allow God to mold me in to the beautiful daughter that He created. Then and only then, will I be prepared to be the woman of righteousness that God has called me to be! Then and only then, will I be ready and prepared to fall in love with the man that has been set apart for me.

All of these thoughts come down to one simple one. In order to have the full romance that God has designed for me, I must have a romance with Him first! Falling in love is something that takes time, but I choose to take the steps to know my Father and to fall in love with Him all over again!

Below are two songs that have recently been on my heart. “Heart of Worship,” because this is my prayer. I want my heart to be changed over to a “Heart of Worship.” Only now that I give my heart over to God will it be a true heart of worship. “Oh Lord Your Love,” because coming back to the Lord is a sweet walk. There are not too many times that admitting you are wrong and walking back to face your inequities and inadequacies does someone make you feel so loved. As the song says, “Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light.” He has welcomed me back with open arms and I can't wait to know him more. His love is new every morning and I can't wait to be in the place that I know His joy and passion every morning anew!

Heart of Worship
by: Erin O'Donnell

When the music fades
All is stripped away
and I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself is not what You have required
You search much deeper with in
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
It's all about You
It's all about You Jesus
I'm sorry for the Lord thing I've made it
When its all about You
Its all about You Jesus
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I 'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper with in
Through the way things appear

chorus 3x

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself is not what You have required
You search much deeper with in
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Oh Lord Your Love
by: Caedmon's Call

Oh Lord I give You all I have
but it seems so little
When You have given me so much
I come to You with empty hands
and a heart that's fragile
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord Your Love
Is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
It gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that I am weary
Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light

And now I sing You songs of praise
but Your greatness is beyond me
I know I can not comprehend
How You Ancient of days
Could stoop Yourself to call me
To be Your son to be Your friend

Chorus 2 x

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